🔗 Share this article These Advice given by My Father That Saved Us when I became a New Father "In my view I was simply just surviving for the first year." Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the demands of becoming a dad. But the actual experience quickly became "utterly different" to what he pictured. Severe health complications during the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her chief support in addition to caring for their infant son Leo. "I took on each nighttime feed, every nappy change… each outing. The job of both parents," Ryan stated. Following 11 months he reached burnout. That was when a talk with his own dad, on a park bench, that led him to understand he required support. The direct statement "You aren't in a healthy space. You need some help. In what way can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and find a way back. His experience is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While society is now better used to addressing the strain on moms and about PND, not enough is spoken about the difficulties fathers encounter. Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help Ryan believes his challenges are symptomatic of a broader reluctance to talk amongst men, who continue to absorb harmful notions of what it means to be a man. Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets hit and remains standing every time." "It isn't a display of failure to request help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he adds. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're struggling. They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is just as important to the household. Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the opportunity to request a break - spending a short trip away, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly. He came to see he needed to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotions in addition to the practical tasks of taking care of a new baby. When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words. Self-parenting That realisation has reshaped how Ryan views parenthood. He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he matures. Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the expression of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father. The concept of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old. When he was young Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" bond with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences caused his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection. Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "terrible decisions" when he was younger to modify how he felt, turning in substance use as a way out from the pain. "You turn to things that aren't helpful," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse." Strategies for Getting By as a New Father Talk to someone - when you are overwhelmed, tell a family member, your other half or a professional how you're feeling. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated. Keep up your interests - keep doing the pursuits that helped you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby. Don't ignore the physical stuff - eating well, physical activity and if you can, resting, all are important in how your mental state is coping. Meet other parents in the same boat - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things. Remember that seeking help is not failure - looking after yourself is the optimal method you can care for your loved ones. When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for years. In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead provide the safety and emotional guidance he missed out on. When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - processing the feelings constructively. The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their issues, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their kids. "I have improved at… sitting with things and handling things," explains Stephen. "I wrote that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I said, sometimes I think my purpose is to teach and advise you what to do, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I'm learning just as much as you are on this path."
"In my view I was simply just surviving for the first year." Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the demands of becoming a dad. But the actual experience quickly became "utterly different" to what he pictured. Severe health complications during the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her chief support in addition to caring for their infant son Leo. "I took on each nighttime feed, every nappy change… each outing. The job of both parents," Ryan stated. Following 11 months he reached burnout. That was when a talk with his own dad, on a park bench, that led him to understand he required support. The direct statement "You aren't in a healthy space. You need some help. In what way can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and find a way back. His experience is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While society is now better used to addressing the strain on moms and about PND, not enough is spoken about the difficulties fathers encounter. Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help Ryan believes his challenges are symptomatic of a broader reluctance to talk amongst men, who continue to absorb harmful notions of what it means to be a man. Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets hit and remains standing every time." "It isn't a display of failure to request help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he adds. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're struggling. They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is just as important to the household. Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the opportunity to request a break - spending a short trip away, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly. He came to see he needed to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotions in addition to the practical tasks of taking care of a new baby. When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words. Self-parenting That realisation has reshaped how Ryan views parenthood. He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he matures. Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the expression of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father. The concept of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old. When he was young Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" bond with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences caused his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection. Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "terrible decisions" when he was younger to modify how he felt, turning in substance use as a way out from the pain. "You turn to things that aren't helpful," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse." Strategies for Getting By as a New Father Talk to someone - when you are overwhelmed, tell a family member, your other half or a professional how you're feeling. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated. Keep up your interests - keep doing the pursuits that helped you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby. Don't ignore the physical stuff - eating well, physical activity and if you can, resting, all are important in how your mental state is coping. Meet other parents in the same boat - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things. Remember that seeking help is not failure - looking after yourself is the optimal method you can care for your loved ones. When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for years. In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead provide the safety and emotional guidance he missed out on. When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - processing the feelings constructively. The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their issues, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their kids. "I have improved at… sitting with things and handling things," explains Stephen. "I wrote that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I said, sometimes I think my purpose is to teach and advise you what to do, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I'm learning just as much as you are on this path."