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As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.

• The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.